Today Might be the Day I Get Mistaken for Someone Important
July 29, 2010
Accents – everyone wants one and everyone already has one (and no, I do not mean the Hyundai).
My parents have quite proper English accents. I have had many accents in my life and find myself somewhat accent-challenged. I went to a bar some time ago and as bar-life often goes I ended up meeting some drunk strangers. One of them asked me if I was – by any chance – from England. As a British passport holder I wondered how in the world he knew that. “Your accent!” was the response I received. I have been mulling this over for sometime and decided to record my own voice. After listening to a moronic recording of myself I found that I sound like Keanu Reeves in Bram Stoker’s “Dracula.” That ain’t a compliment.
It is possible that spending an extended amount of time with my English-sounding mother and her ex-pat comrades, I have picked up a watered down version of an English accent. Albeit an accent that is confused regarding its whereabouts. I think it wants to be from Sussex.
I suppose I ought to download some youtube videos of people speaking with accents and see how much I can confuse someone the next time I decide to drop the remote and venture outside the bat cave.
Once you have recovered from the world’s worst acting, please note the comments: “he sucks! But I would totally bone him!!!”
As someone who watches an awful lot of daytime television, I often wonder how they find so many people to fill spots on the Maury show. I must thank this individual for clarifying a few things for me. Firstly, standards are exceedingly low. Once you are aware that your love object ‘sucks” you can feel free to move to the “bone” stage. Secondly, terrible grammar usage serves to solidify the order of romance. This man is a loser BUT I would bone him. It doesn’t seem to follow that this means ‘this man is a loser AND SO I must bone him.” The operative word here is ‘seem.’ When you really think about it – and I don’t recommend this – if his accent didn’t suck no one would say “he doesn’t suck but I would bone him.” No, no they wouldn’t. A simple “He does not suck” would suffice. One can conclude that you appreciate his wonderfulness without having the caveat of bone related activities. So what I really mean is that this person would bone Keanu Reeves regardless of his sucking or lack of sucking. In short – this person would bone anything. Someone who says “bone” probably engages in sexual activities on such a frequent basis that it has become literally a part of their physical makeup (a bone, if you will). The Maury show would have far fewer contestants – yes, I view it as a competition – if more people were to focus on the initial thought of “he sucks!”
It’s those snap judgements that end up being the correct ones. See: my love life.
